New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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