Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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