You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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