I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
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