glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
