you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
