It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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