Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
