genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
