He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
