Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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