im six kinds of drunk right now
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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