I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
