you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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