Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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