had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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