last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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