He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
