Whod you bang
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
