me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
