New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
