there's paper in my vomit.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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