You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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