..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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