Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
