What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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