Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
