I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
