I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize