Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
