You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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