I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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