also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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