How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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