sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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