How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Randomize
