capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Randomize
