Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
