so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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