before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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