Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
