the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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