Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
