Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
