Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
