Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
me + whiskey = a bad person
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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