I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
