guys are only as good as the porn they watch
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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