he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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