Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
