party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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