You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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