What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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