I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
