so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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