last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
