cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
