You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
You're like the curious george of whores
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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