Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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